You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day

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Andrews McMeel Publishing, 1999 - Humor - 240 pages
You Are Worthless is the self-help book from hell. This bracing blast of negativity takes aim at the impossibly cheerful "inspirational self-help" books flooding the market and hits the bullseye, with chapters such as "Your Good-for-Nothing Friends," "Your Miserable Job," and "Life: What's the Use?"

This hilarious parody collects hundreds of tidbits of painful reality such as "You're no good, you're not great-looking, and you're going to die someday and it's probably going to hurt." Who among us isn't sick to death of the gushy, new-agey inspirational books that blindly assert that everyone is worthy? We all know the truth, and this book is as refreshing as a slap to the face.

Just some of the depressingly humorous nuggets of truth include:* You don't really have any outstanding qualities. It's safe to say you're pretty much just like everybody else.* The only reason your pet likes you is because you feed it.* As you get older, you are going to have less and less control over your bladder.* If you take a big risk and follow your dream, chances are you're going to fall flat on your face.

You Are Worthless also features a section called "Hopeless Role Models from History," including Helen Keller ("I've had it"), and Abraham Lincoln ("Theonly thing I'm good at is losing").

 

Contents

II
3
III
35
IV
57
V
131
VI
155
VII
183
VIII
211
IX
225
X
229
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Page 2 - Well, whatever your sorry-ass problem is, I hope the nuggets of wisdom in this book help. Aw, who am I kidding? This book isn't going to help anybody. Nothing I do ever amounts to anything.

About the author (1999)

Cartoonist, filmmaker, and founder and former editor-in-chief of The Onion Scott Dikkers has written or co-written several New York Times bestsellers including Our Dumb World and The Onion's Our Dumb Century, which has sold more than a half-million copies and was awarded the Thurber Prize for American Humor. His other books include The Onion's Finest News Reporting, which topped 200,000 in sales, the self-help parody You Are Worthless, and the "unauthorized autobiography" of George W. Bush, Destined for Destiny.

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