Mothers and SonsBased on frank and revealing interviews with mothers and sons of all ages, Babette Smith's ground-breaking book tells the truth about this crucial relationship. She probes behind the myths and the silences to uncover some surprising answers. Many middle-aged sons confess to being bored in their mother's company. Many say they felt unloved as children, but have forgotten that masculine pressures made them reject their mother's affection. On the other hand, mothers are afraid of being too possessive, too seductive or too domineering with their sons. Today's young sons often have better relationships with their mothers, but the old patterns persist. Mothers and Sons may help to bridge the gulf between women and men. 'With compassion, frankness and insight, Babette Smith exposes the dangers of gender stereotypes and encourages a more realistic appreciation of the needs which are unique to every relationship.' - Hugh Mackay '...fascinating and poignant insights into the changing nature of mother-son relationships.' - Bettina Arndt 'A compassionate, insightful and timely exploration of a core element in male identity...' - Terry Colling, author of Beyond Mateship 'As the mother of two sons, I want everyone to read it.' - Wendy McCarthy AO |
Contents
| 15 | |
Postwar sons | 31 |
The opposite sex | 51 |
Learning to be a man | 67 |
Masculine and feminine | 81 |
Kindred spirits | 99 |
The balance of power | 115 |
Victims | 135 |
Post1960s mothers | 151 |
Sonsthe younger version | 173 |
Mothers and daughtersinlaw | 193 |
Signposts to the future | 213 |
Notes | 227 |
Selected bibliography | 231 |
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Common terms and phrases
admire adolescence adult affection affectionate ambivalence Andy Metcalf attitudes behave behaviour believe Betty Friedan blame boy's brother child confidence daugh daughters described develop divorce dominant emotional emotionally empathy emphasis enjoy equality experience expressed father fear feel felt female feminine feminism feminist friends gender Geraldine Taylor girlfriend girls Gloria Steinem guilt homophobia homosexual hurt husband idea interests John Stoltenberg kiss lack lives male children male culture marriage masculine conditioning maternal men's mother-son relationship mother's company motherhood mothers and sons mothers of sons mummy's boy never older opinion parents particularly Paul Whyte penis physical qualities reaction realise reared recognise resented respect responsible revealed role self-esteem sexuality share sometimes son's stereotype struggle talk Taylor reported teenage tell things took tough traditional typical understand Vaus wife wives woman women young younger
Popular passages
Page 9 - to the boy, masculinity is both mysterious and attractive (in its promise of a world of work and power), and yet, at the same time, threatening (in its strangeness, and emotional distance). ... It works both ways; attracts and repels in dynamic contradiction. This simultaneous distance and attraction is internalized as a permanent emotional tension that the individual must, in some way, strive to overcome.
Page 19 - It was suddenly discovered that the mother could be blamed for almost everything. In every case history of a troubled child; alcoholic, suicidal, schizophrenic, psychopathic, neurotic adult; impotent, homosexual male; frigid, promiscuous female; ulcerous, asthmatic and otherwise disturbed American, could be found a mother.
Page 38 - ... this kind is greater in Australia than in America where a number of studies have shown that encroachments of the school, in particular, have stripped the family of many of its responsibilities. In Australia, schools, churches, clubs and the community at large are still seen as supporters of the home. With the withdrawal of the father from many areas of family living, a heavy burden is imposed upon the mother, and, despite the introduction of numerous labour-saving units, she is probably now working...
Page 39 - Bibring summarizes the situation: At closer investigation it seems evident that in all these cases the father did not participate essentially in the upbringing of his children, that social as well as moral standards, religious and aesthetic values were mostly conveyed by the mother. The same holds true of praise and reprimands. The setting of goals and the supervision of the boy's development lay in her hands. The father appears in all these instances as a friendly onlooker rather than as an important...
Page 7 - Who are the fathers and the sons who can only be reconciled in sharing disdain for the life of the mother? And who are the sons who have become fathers to turn sons against mothers again and again? This servitude must cease. This inheritance must be refused.
Page 7 - gender issues', as we call them, are well understood, the women do not oppose the initiatory work with the boys, nor helplessly yearn for it but participate enthusiastically and sadly in the drama of it.
Page 13 - West are more empathic than men, but this sex difference is not universal. Japanese men are very empathic. It is a tradition in Western society that men achieve and be autonomous and individualistic; women should be nurturing, protective and healing. One can't be achieving, individualistic, and competitive if one is sorry for the victim. Western men must suppress empathy for their rivals or fail to accomplish their goals . . . Causing pain is the hardest thing for a woman to do.
Page 13 - Male sexual identity exists, in part, because people born with penises learn an ethic of sexual injustice, an ethic that leaves out specific others. In order to distinguish themselves as real 'men', they learn not to know what can be known about the values in what they do to others, specifically anyone who is 'less a man...
Page 195 - I was disappointed when my babies were both boys was because when they're older and married the daughters-in-law are never as close to the mother-in-law and you never have that relationship to the grandchildren that you do through a daughter. Everyone's told me that, from older people right through to my own friends. And it's my own experience, I'm not close to my mother-in-law . . . When the boys marry, they'll drift away. (age 35) The process of 'letting him go' is often expressed as 'taking second...
Page 185 - Boys identify with mothers who are independent, free-thinking, nice people, not only for security and emotional reasons, but also because they happen to like their mothers as people. These are mothers who . . . actually present themselves to their sons as people without any overt 'being Mother'.