on the lines of "Who's talking about war? I broke in. "Oh!" said he, rather selfconsciously, "I was getting nicely away then on my pet topic. So you're going to be a bus driver?" Most of us were duly impressed, with big fighting 'planes rather and I for one was sorry when his rather querulous voice became lost in the more robust delivery of some one at the back. This enthusiast was holding forth upon the question of air transport. He was, he informed us all, prepared to fly anything on wings-or, for that matter, without 'em! He didn't care in the very least whether they gave him a "Snipe," a "Camel,' or a Handley-Page Bomber; as long as it had an engine and a tail he could deal with it. As he rambled on I began sense something vaguely familiar in that voice, and I wondered where I had heard it before. A few seconds later the queue eased out a bit, and, raising myself on tiptoe, I looked back. "Hi!" came a great voice as our eyes met. And the next moment I was vigorously pumping at the hand of Major one time flying instructor at the camp of Aboukir. "This is a great scheme," he shouted, as soon as we had located ourselves. 66 What are you going to do? "Drive a bus!" said I. "If they want anybody, that is." "Drive a bus. What's the matter with the air? "Nothing, as far as I know. But I'm too old for flying now, and anyway it's on the ground that the battle will be waged." 66 Don't you believe it! Don't you believe it, sonny! The next war will be won in the The heavens'll be black VOL. CCXX.-NO. MCCCXXIX. "If they want me !" 66 'Humph! Well, we saw a few things through between us at Aboukir. What about my coming as your conductor?" Fine!" I cried. "Splendid!" And so it was settled. By degrees we drew up to the old army hut where the recruiting was going forward, and eventually wedged ourselves through the doorway. There were a couple of long tables there, with a dozen or so clerks booking down the particulars of the volunteers. I stood behind one man while he was being examined. Clerk. "And what can you do?" Volunteer. "Anything! 66 Volunteer (rather dismayed). tackle anything. Even while "Humph!" I waited, he who was to have Clerk. "Shall I put you down been captain of a lordly P. & for that, then?" O. walked past me with a broad grin on his face. Volunteer (looks at his hands and hesitates). "How heavy would these things be, exactly " Clerk. I don't know! Just ordinary boxes, hundred pounds or so, perhaps !" Volunteer (looking wildly for the door). "I'll go and think it over." Clerk. But wait a moment. What did you want to do? Volunteer (with sudden courage). "I thought of collecting tickets on the underground." Clerk (facetiously). "I believe we are opening a ladies' section to-morrow. See you then, eh? Next, please!" The weedy youth rose with alacrity, and I took his chair. As I sat down I heard Major deluging the clerk next door with the long list of his accomplishments, beginning with the inevitable, "I'll fly anything on wings-or without 'em, for that matter!" It struck me then, as I waited while my particular clerk fetched a new stack of forms, what a curious race we British are. In that room were some two dozen men, all of whom were eagerly lying away their inefficiency. There was nothing they couldn't do. They were experts in everything. Any one of them would have stepped gaily on to the footplate of a locomotive and pulled every lever until the thing did move away. They were prepared to "Can I congratulate you on your new command ?" I asked. "What d'you mean?" he shouted. "I've just been earmarked for a dock labourer. I'm going back home to tell the wife to dig out my old uniform!" "Splendid!" said I. And off he went as proud as a peacock. I seemed pretty certain to get my job as a bus driver, and I had Major put on my card, too, for my conductor. I happened to see his card filled up with the jobs he could do. I said nothing, but I do hope it won't be counted as evidence against him upon the last day. "Got to tell 'em plenty," said he, when we were safely outside. "Otherwise they might miss you!" But that ' able to drive hydraulic winches' was a bit steep," I protested. "Not a bit of it," said he. "I bet I'd drive any bally winch if they turned me loose on it for half an hour!" "If there were any winch left to drive!" I added. 66 wild out.' General." The scene at the "passing out" was really very funny. The stopping and starting and steering tests were fairly easy, but the skidding test ploughed many an otherwise hopeful young driver. There was a sharp dip and an equally sharp rise the other side, with the bottom of the dip a veritable slough of despair. Mud and soft soap were the main ingredients, and you had to stop your bus in the thick of it and then get away again up the opposite rise. Most folk, when they found the back wheels skidding gaily round, pushed down the accelerator pedal still more in a attempt to race it These tactics not only failed to move the bus, but also failed the driver, and many a good man went west in the swamp," as we called it. Fortunately I got through all right as much by good luck as any judgment on my part— and received my ticket." Meanwhile the Major, who had found one or two kindred spirits in the would-be conductor queue, had received his ticket, and was busily crying out in a particularly raucous voice, "Marble Arch Arch-PiccadillyBerkeley Square -Roehampton" (that being, I verily believe, the sum total of his London knowledge). We were then ordered to report to Hyde Park next morning for duty, and, nothing else showing at the moment, we retired to the Berkeley for lunch. Here we 66 a Colonel X., late of the Hussars. The Colonel was positively hilarious, and informed us with the greatest pride that he was going to drive "General," starting next morning. Now the Colonel was a remarkably poor driver. I remember helping to dig out his Overland from the khud-side just above Tret, on the PindiMurree road, some years ago. He was what you might call a get-there" driver-a few flat tyres, a knocking engine, or a cracked chassis never interfered with the Colonel's equanimity. As long as the car moved, the Colonel steered it forward; if it stopped, he got out and walked, after suitably addressing the derelict in his own peculiar language. While he was telling us of his new job, his chauffeur came in with a note. Yes, sir," started the chauffeur, "but you see "You see I'm driving instead," broke in the Colonel, "and he's my conductor." "That is so, sir," remarked the man, lugubriously enough; and I realised that he was a very unwilling conductor. I asked the Colonel how he had got through the "swamp." He looked at me suspiciously for a moment, and then waved ran up against a hand, airily. "Oh, easily!" said he. Later on, however, we got to the root of the business. The Major saw the chauffeur outside waiting by the big Daimler, and he asked him how it came about that he wasn't driving a "General." 'Ammond,' says he. 'You give me your driver's ticket, and you take my conductor's ticket -see?' 6 "But I can't do that, sir,' says I. 'That's agin the law.' """Ammond,' says 'e, 'is face all red, you do as I tell you. I've set my 'eart on a-driving one of these 'ere "Generals," and I'm a-going to drive one an' all!' "Well, sir! What could I do? I've served the Colonel for nigh on twenty years, and well, what could I do? "Well, you see, sir-though for the Lord's sake don't tell the Colonel I told you-when we came up to Town this morning, the Colonel he says to me, ''Ammond, I'm going to drive a "General," and you shall be my conductor.' Well, sir, you know what the Colonel is! 'E's a dangerous man, sir. 'E puts the breeze up me every time 'e drives this Daimler, but when 'e gets loose on a 'General,' well, Gawd 'elp 'im one of them buses," cried "Do you think he is really dangerous, then?" I asked. I "Dangerous! Why, wouldn't be in the same street with 'im when 'e's a-driving Hammond, feelingly. the "Sonny!" remarked Major, thoughtfully, as we little strolled up Piccadilly, "I hope to the Lord Harry we don't get pushed on to the Colonel's particular route. He sounds a bit too hectic for me ! " "E didn't pass no test. 'E got the old bus proper round his neck in that grease test. The police inspector 'e goes up to 'im and laughs. "'Ere, Colonel,' says 'e, 'you'd better 'ave a conductor's ticket! I'm afraid you'd come to grief!' My word, sir, 'ow the Colonel swore. 'E cursed that inspector up 'ill and down dale. Then 'e quiets down suddenly. "'Ammond,' says 'e, 'you go and get a driver's ticket.' Well, off I goes, and of course gets my ticket! "Now you will 'ave to be my conductor, sir,' says I, cheerily, when I comes back. "Not so dashed likely, 66 We can always skate up a side street," said I. "Though I don't suppose the Colonel will be the only dangerous man on the street.' Thereafter we spent an illuminating half-hour watching the amateurs bring their buses round Hyde Park Corner. Most of them had only started that morning, and in concentrating on the rather bewildering maze of arrows and white lines, not a few of them forgot to change down in time to keep the bus going. The knocking engines reminded one irresistibly of a One could not help feeling a little " blacksmith's shop, and one both reported to the L.G.O.C. Chiswick repair depot, and were issued with official armlets. From there we were driven to another garage, and allotted our bus. That was a great moment, when, with a policeman alongside me, a "special next to him, two more "specials" on the roof, and the Major standing on the back platform vigorously ringing the bell, we nosed our way from the garage and swung out on to the road. We were on No. 2 B route, which went, roughly, from Herne Hill viâ Marble Arch to Camden Town. I didn't know much about the road itself, but the policeman did, so we managed fairly well, excepting that the Major was working overtime on his bell. It was only necessary for him to see a girl up one or other of the side streets and ding went the bell, while the bus waited for her ladyship to come up. Quite often she did not want to go our way, but the Major would raise his hat politely, have a few words with her, in which he was generally assisted by the body. guard on the roof, ring the bell, and off we would go again. By the time we reached Marble Arch on the outward trip we were already twenty minutes late, owing to these unofficial stops and prolonged conversations at the back. During the day we heard startling rumours of buses being overturned by the strikers and smashed to atoms, of drivers being killed and conductors injured; but although we made diligent inquiries we could get no confirmation of these outrages. The Major was considerably cheered by the rumour that conductors only were being injured, and decided that he was on the better wicket of the two. He was inclined to be facetious about it, and opined that the news would "cheer 'Ammond no end." On Thursday morning we "Make it up on the straight," was the Major's only notion of putting the matter in order. At the Marble Arch we struck our first real jam. The police |