Par. Three years and three quarters, please your worship: we were exceeding happy together; she was, indeed, a little apt to be jealous. Coun. No wouder Par. Yes: they can't help it, poor souls; but notwithstanding, at her death, I gave her a prodigious good character in my journal. Coun. And how proceeds the present affair? Par. Just now, we are quite at a standCoun. How so? Pur. The old scoundrel, her father, has played me a slippery trick. Coun. Indeed! Coun. To a most material purpose. Your worship observes, that Bodkin is positive as to the noises made on the first day of January by Par. As he could give no money in hand, I Fanny the Phantom: now, if we can prove an agreed to take her fortune in copies. I was to alibi, that is, that, on that very day, at that very | have the Wits Vade Mecum entire; four huntime, the said Fanny was scratching and flut-dred of News from the Invisible World, in tering any where else, we apprehend that we destroy the credit of this witnessCall Peter Paragraph. Coun. Pray, Mr. Paragraph, where was you born? Par. Sir, I am a native of Ireland, and born and bred in the city of Dublin. Coun. When did you arrive in the city of London ? Par. About the last autumnal equinox; and now I recollect, my journal makes mention of my departure for England, in the Besborough packet, Friday, October the tenth, N. S. or new style. Coun. Oh, then the journal is yours? Par. Please your worship it is; and relating thereto, I believe I can give you a pleasant conceit. Last week I went to visit a peer, for I know peers, and peers know me. Quoth his lordship to me, Mr. Paragraph, with respect to your journal, I would wish that your paper was whiter, or your ink blacker. Quoth I to the peer, by way of reply, I hope you will own there is enough for the money? his lordship was pleased to laugh. It was such a pretty repartee, he, he, he, he! Jus. Pray, Mr. Paragraph, what might be your business in England? Par. Hem a little love-affair, please your worship. Coun. A wife, I suppose Par. Something tending that way; even so long ago as January, 1739-40, there past some amorous glances between us: she is daughter of old Vamp of the Turnstile; but, at that time, I stifled my passion, Mrs. Paragraph being then in the land of living. Coun. She is now dead? sheets; all that remained of Glanvil upon Witches; Hill's Bees, Bardana, Brewing, and Balsam of Honey, and three eights of Robinson Crusoe. Coun. A pretty fortune! Par. Yes; they are things that stir in the trade; but you must know that we agreed to go halves in Fanny the Phantom. But whilst I and two authors, whom I had hired to ask questions, at nine shillings a night, were taking notes of the knockings at the house of Mr. Parsons himself, that old rascal, Vamp, had privately printed off a thousand eight-penny scratchings, purchased of two Methodist preachers, at the public-house over the way→→→ Coun. Now we come to the point-look upon this evidence; was he present at Mr. Parsons' knockings? Par. Never; this is one of the rascally Methodists-Hark'ye, fellow? how could you be such a scoundrel, to sell for genuine, your counterfeit scratchings to Vamp? Bod. My scratchings were the true scratchings Par. Why, you lying son of a whore, did not I buy all my materials from the girl's father himself? Bod. What the spirit commanded, that did I. Pur. What spirit? Bod. The spirit within me Par. If I could but get at you, I would soon try what sort of a spirit it is-Stop, you villain! [Exit BODKIN.] The rogue has made his escape; but I will dog him to find out his haunts, and then return for a warrant-His scratchings; a scoundrel; I will have justice, or I'll turn his tabernacle into a pig-stye. [Exit PAR. Coun. I hope, please your worship, we have sufficiently established our alibi? Jus. You are unquestionably entitled to a jury of ghosts. Coun. Mr. Serjeant, you will provide us a list? Ser. Let us see you have no objection to Sir George Villars, the evil genius of Brutus, the ghost of Banquo, Mrs. Veal? Coun. We object to a woman- -your wor ship Jus. Why, it is not the practice; this, it must be owned, is an extraordinary case. But, however, if on conviction, the Phantom should plead pregnancy, Mrs. Veal will be admitted on the jury of matrons. Ser. I thank your worship; then, the court is adjourned. [TERENCE and DERMOT in an upper box. Ter. By my shoul, but I will spake! Der. Arrah, be quiet, Terence. Ter. Dibble bura me, but I will; but, hut, not spake! what should ail me? Harkee, you Mr. Justice Scam. Hollo, what's the matter now, Will? Der. Leave off, honey Terence, now you are well Ter. Dermot be easy. Scam. Hear him! Tire. Hear him! Ter. Ay, hear him, hear him! why the matter is this, Mr. Justice: that little hopping fellow there, that Dublin journal man, is as great a liar as ever was born Tire. How so? Ter. Ay, pr'ythee don't bodder me! what d'ye learn no more manners at Oxford college, than to stop a jontleman in the midst of his speech before he begins? oh, for shame of yourself!-Why the matter is this, Mr. Justice: That there, what the dibble d'ye call him, PraPraragraf;-but, by my shoul, that is none of his name neither; I know the little bastard as well as myself; as to Fanny the Phantom, long life to the poor jontlewoman: he knows no more of her, than the mother who bore her Suds. Indeed! good lord you surprise me! Ter. Arrah, now, honey Suds. spake when you are spoke to; you ar'n't upon the jury, my jewel, now; by my shoul, you are a little too fat for a ghost. Tire. Pr'ythee, friend Ephraim, let him go on: let us hear a little what he would be at Ter. I say, he knows nothing about the case that is litigated here, d'ye see, at all, at all; because why, I haunt ha' been from Dublm above four weeks, or a month, and I saw him in his shop every day; so that how could he be here and there, too? unless, indeed, he used to fly backwards and forwards, and that, you see, is impossible, because why he has got a wooden leg. Scam. What the devil is the fellow about? Tire. I smoke him-Harkee, Terence, who do you take that lame man to be? Ter. Oh, my jewel, I know him well enough sure by his parson, for all he thought to conceal himself by changing his nameScam. Why, it is Foote, you fool! Ter. Arrah, who? Tire. Foote. Ter. Fot? what the lecture-man, Pa- Ter. Arrah, be easy, honey- Ter. Your humble servant yourself, Mr. Suds by my shoul, I'll wager you three thirteens to a rap, that is no such matter at all, at all. Scum. Done-and be judged by the company. Ter. Done-I'll ask the orator himself-here he comes. Enter FOOTE. Harkee, honey Fot, was it yourself that was happing about here but now? Foote. I have heard your debate, and must give judgment against you Ter. What, yourself; yourself? Ter. Then, faith, I have lost my thirteensArrah, but Fot, my jewel, why are you after playing such pranks, to bring an honest joutleinto company where he is not---But what, is this selling of lectures a thriving profession! man Foote. I can't determine as yet; the public have been very indulgent; I have not long opened. Ter. By my shoul, if it answers, will you be my pupil, and learn me the trade? Foote. Willingly Ter. That's an honest fellow! long life to you, lad! [Sits down. Foote. Having thus completed our lecture on the eloquence peculiar to the bar, we shall produce one great group of orators, in which will be exhibited specimens of every branch of the art. You will have, at one view, the choleric, the placid, the voluble, the frigid, the frothy, the turgid, the calm, and the clamorous; and, as a proof of our exquisite skill, our subjects are not such as a regular education has prepared for the reception of this sublime science, but a set of illiterate mechanics, whom you are to suppose assembled at the Robin-Hood in the Butcher-row, in order to discuss and adjust the various systems of Europe, but particularly to determine the separate interest of their own mother country. [Exit. ACT III. SCENE I.-The Robin-Hood. thought- -I say, sir, some gentlemen may think, that this may prove pernicious to our The President; DERMOT O'DROGHEDA, a chair-manufacture-[Looks in his hat.]—and the duty, man; TOM TWIST, a tailor; STRAP, a shoe-doubtless, it is of every member of this illusmaker; ANVIL, a smith; SAM SLAUGHTER, a trious assembly to have a particular eye unto butcher; CATCHPOLE, a bailiff- All with that; but, Mr. President-sir-[Looks in hi pewter pots before them. hat, is confused, and sits kown.] Pre. Silence, gentlemen! are your pots replenished with porter? All. Full, Mr. President. Pre. We will then, proceed to the business of the day; and let me beg, gentlemen, that you will, in your debates, preserve that decency and decorum that is due to the importance of your deliberations, and the dignity of this illustrious assembly [Gets up, pulls off his hat, and reads the motion. Motion made last Monday, to be debated today, That, for the future, instead of that vulgar potation called porter, the honourable members may be supplied with a proper quantity of Irish usquebaugh. DERMOT O'DROGHEDA † his mark.' Pre. Mr. Twist. O pray finish, Mr. Twist! Twist. [Gets up.] I say, Mr. Pressdent, that, sir, if sir, it be considered that-as-I say[Looks in his hat ] I have nothing farther to say. Sits down, and STRAP gets up.] Pre. Mr. Strap. Strap. Mr. President, it was not my intention to trouble the assembly upon this occasion; but when I hear insinuations thrown out by gentlemen, where the interest of this country is so deeply concerned, I own I cannot sit silent; and give me leave to say, sir, there never came before this assembly, a point of more impor tance than this; it strikes, sir, at the very root, sir, of your constitution: for, sir, what does this motion imply? It implies that porter, a wholesome, domestic manufacture, is to be prohibited at once. And for what, sir? for a foreign perO'Dro. [Gets up.] That's I myself! nicious commodity. I had, sir, formerly the Pre. Mr. O'Drogheda. honour, in conjunction with my learned friend, O'Dro. Mr. President, the case is this. It is in the leather apron, to expel sherbet from not becase I am any great lover of that same us- amongst us, as I looked upon lemons as a fatal quebaugh, that I have set my mark to the motion; and foreign fruit-and can it be thought, sir, but because I did not think it was decent for a that I will sit silent to this? No, sir, I will put number of jontlemen that were, d'ye see, met to my shoulders strongly against it; I will oppose settle the affairs of the nation, to be guzzling ait manibus totibus. For should this proposal pot of porter. To be sure, the liquor is a pretty sort of liquor enough, when a man is hot with trotting between a couple of poles; but this is another guess matter, because why, the head is concerned; and if it was not for the malt and the hops, dibble burn me but I would as soon take a drink from the Thames, as your porter. But as to usquebaugh; ah, long life to the liquor! -it is an exhilirator of the bowels, and a stomatic to the head; I say, Mr. President, it invigorates, it stimulates, it-in short, it is the onliest liquor of life, and no man alive will die whilst he drinks it. [Sits down. TWIST gets up, having a piece of paper, containing the heads of what he says, in his hat.] Pre. Mr. Timothy Twist. prevail, it will not end here: fatal, give me leave and winks from the other members. He Pre. Mr. Anvil. Anvil. Mr. President, sir [The members all blow their noses, and cough; ANVIL talks all the while, and is not heard. Pre. Silence, gentlemen; oray, gentlemen! A worthy member is up. Twist. Mr. President, I second Mr. O'Drog- Anvil. I say, Mr. President, that if we consiheda's motion; and, sir, give me leave-I say, der this case in its utmost extent-[All the mem Mr. President [Looks in his hat.], give me bers cough, and blow their noses again.I say, leave to observe, that, sir, though it is impossi-sir, I will. Nay, I insist on bieng heard. If any ble to add any force to what has been advanced gentleman has any thing to say any where else, by my honourable friend in the straps: yet, sir, I'll hear him. [Looks into his hat again.] it may, sir, I say, be necessary to obviate some objections that may be made to the motion. And first, it may be [Members all laugh: ANVIL sits down in a passion, and SLAUGHTER gets up. Pre. Mr. Samuel Slaughter. نظم Slaugh. Sir, I declare it, at the bare hearing of this here motion, I am all over in a sweat. For my part, I can't think what gentlemen mean by talking in that there manner; not but I likes that every man should deliver his mind; I does mine; it has been ever my way; and when a member opposes me, I like him the better for it; its right; I am pleased; he can't please me more; it is as it should be; and though I differ from the honourable gentleman in the flannel night-cap over the way, yet I am pleased to hear him say what he thinks; for, sir, as I said, it is always my rule to say what I think, right or wrong. [A loud laugh.] Ay, ay, gentlemen you may laugh; with all my heart, I am used to it, I don't mind it a farthing: but, sir, with regard to that there motion, I entirely agree with my worthy friend with the pewter pot at his mouth. Now, sir, I would fain ask any gentleman this here question: Can any thing in nature be more natural for an Englishman than porter? I declare, Mr. President, I think it the most wholesomest liquor in the world. But if it must be a change, let us change it for rum, a wholesome palatable liquor, a liquor that-in short, Mr. President, I don't know such a liquor. Ay, gentlemen may stare: I say, and I say it upon my conscience, I don't know such a liquor. Besides, I think there is in this here affair, a point of law, which I shall leave to the consideration of the learned; and for that there reason, I shall take up no more of your time. [He sits down, CATCHPOLE gets up. Pre. Mr Catchpole. Catch. I get up to the point of law. And though, sir, I am bred to the business, I can't say I am prepared for this question. But though this usquebaugh, as a dram, may not (by name) be subject to a duty, yet it is my opinion, or rather belief, it will be considered, as in the case of horses, to come under the article of dried goods. But I move, that another day this point be debated. Slaugh. I second the motion. [CATCHPOLE gives a paper to the President. who reads it.] Pre. Here your motion. 'That it be debated next Thursday, Whether the dram, usquebaugh, is subject to a particular duty; or, as the case of horses, to be considered under the article of dried goods? All. Agreed, agreed! Foote. And now, ladies and gentlemen, having produced to you glaring proofs of our great ability in every species of oratory; having manifested, in the persons of our pupils, our infinite address in conveying our knowledge to others, we shall close our morning's lecture, instituted for the public good, with a proposal for the particular improvement of individuals. We are ready to give private instructions to any reverend gentleman, in his probationary sermon for the lectureship! to young barristers who have causes to open, or motions to make; to all candidates for the sock or buskin; or to the new members of any of those oratorical societies, with which this metropolis is at present so plentifully stocked. [Exeunt omnes. Rog. Safe, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. And the plate and spoons in the pantry? Rog. Yes, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. Then give me the key: the mob will soon be upon us and all is fish that comes to their net. Has Ralph laid the cloth in the hall? Rog. Yes, Sir Jacob. Sir Jac. Then let him bring out the turkey and chine, and be sure there is plenty of mustard; and d'ye hear, Roger? do you stand yourself at the gate, and be careful who you let in. Rog. I will, Sir Jacob. [Exit ROGER. Sir Jac. So, now I believe things are pretty secure; but I can't think what makes my daughters so late are they Who is that, Roger? [Knocking at the gate. |