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THE ORGANS OF THE BRAIN,

À COMEDY IN THREE ACTS, TRANSLATED FROM THE GERMAN OF

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The Scene is a room in Mr. Von Rückenmarks house.

ACT 1ST-SCENE 1st.

[Emily seated in the foreground employed in needle work, Katzrabe and Walter standing near the door; Mr. Rückenmark comes out of an adjoining room.]

Rück. Who wants to speak with me?

Kaez.-Your honor has advertized in the papers that you want a valet-de-chambre. I offer my services.

Wal. And I.

Rück.-Well, well; yes, very good ;-but my valet has the charge of my money also, and must therefore be an honest man; one who may be trusted.

Katz. That's exactly my character.

Wal.-There are my testimonials.

Rück,-(Takes the testimonials and reads them) You lived fifteen years with your master?

Wal-Death alone could separate me from him.

Rück.-That is certainly a recommendation; (to Katzrabe) where are your testimonials ?

Katz.-I have none; they have been stolen from me.

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Rick.-Ah! Well, that is not of so much importance to me.If we were to form our judgments by these testimonials should conclude that there were no bad servants in the world. The most honorable man, when he dismisses a servant, makes no scruple of giving him a compassionate lie to help him on. Whether another honorable man is deceived by such conduct, no one thinks of enquiring, provided only the rascals get on-I therefore place no credit whatever in such testimonials. Heaven be praised I am acquainted with a totally different method, which is always infallible.-Nobody cheats me. Whoever I take into my service must first let me examine his head. Do you agree to this?

Wal. With all my heart.

Kalz.-If you must.

Rick.-(Feels Walter's head with great seriousness) ah! ah! (goes to his daughter.) Now Emily read these testimonials, I beg you for heaven's sake-Would not one believe that the fellow was & miracle of honesty? He is a rascal, a vile rascal. He has the -organ of theft as large as a roll of tobacco. Look at his broad depressed skull, how it bulges out on both sides (He turns back) Go along my good fellow, I have no occasion for your services. Wal-I served my sainted master fifteen years honestly and faithfully.

Riick.-Palm that upon some one else.-You bave robbed him, shamefully robbed him.

Wal.-My good character is every thing to me, Your Honor. If you wont take me into your service you certainly have no right on that account to slander nre.

Riick-Well, my good fellow it is not my fault that you are gi ven to thieving, and it certainly is not your fault. It is a misfortune which no one can help. (He feels Katzrabe's head) Brávo! Bravo! zounds there's a magnificent skull. Such a bump of goodnature has never come under my observation before!

A real miracle of benevolence (To Walter.) Now look yourself, at this hillock! That is totally wanting in you.

Wal. I can easily believe that. The fellow got a sound cudgelling yesterday in a public house for cheating at play-He must have a great many more lumps upon his head still.

Katz.-Slander, sheer slander.

Rick. Certainly,- exactly so,-yon are a fool.-Lumps are no organs. (He feels again) Quite flat here at the sides,-not a trace of cunning, still less of theft. You are honest fellow-you may be a little stupid, but that's of no importance. I take you into my service.

Kalz.-Your honor shall be thoroughly satisfied with me, depend upon it.

Wal-That's to be hoped! But it is no affair of mine-Your -honor must however recall the insulting expressions you have made use of towards me this morning, or I shall lay a complaint against you instantly,

Rick.-My good man I mean well with you, and can give you no better advice than to have yourself locked up as long us you live, or you'll go on stealing until you come to the gallows.

Wal. This is too bad. My good name is my whole wealthI'll certainly enquire of of the magistrates whether it is allowaable to steal that without any cause whatever.-(Exit.)

Rick. Make haste after him and take care that the fellow carries nothing off with him.

SCENE 2D.

MR. VON RUCKENMARK AND EMILY.

Rück.I have made a splendid acquisition. An organ of goodnature as large as my fist.-You may entrust him with all ine silver things directly. I'll stake my word upon his honesty. Em-But my dear Father, if you have done the other poor fel low wrong? Rick.-Wrong? Why did you not see then what protuberances he had on both sides behind his ears? The rascal has a head as broad as a dewlap,

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Em.-Granted that your system is infallible, your celebrated master nevertheless declared that it was exceedingly difficult to distinguish the organs by feeling them. This fine sense of touch, he said, was the lot of few, and those few were chiefly women. Riick.—Nonsense, stuff. The man was gallant and wished to pay you a compliment; nothing more. I understand the matter as well as any body. But you don't think so, because I can't find the organ of music on your lover's head, and because I have discovered that he is a theosophist.

Em.-My Ferdinand is certainly a little enthusiastic.

Rick. That's just it-exactly what I say.

Em. But his divinity is only Love.

Rück. Don't deceive yourself--Love does not lie here in the crown of the head; it's behind in the poll.

Em.---I think it lies in the heart.

Rück.In the poll. I tell you--And your Mr. Von Bombeck is a theosophist who sooner or later will found a new religions sect. Em.---At present, however, he appears to think about no such thing.

Riick.---It will come---Of music he has not even a vestige. As far as that is concerned, he has a skull like an Ape's, which has also no organ for music.

Em. That may be. He is no lover of music. But for all that he may be a good husband. The harmony of congenial hearts * * * Riick.---But I tell you we are not talking about hearts, but heads. You know I love music passionately, and once for all, I am determined to have no son-in-law who wants a taste for this noble gift of heaven. And no daughter-in-law either. It is misfortune enough that my own children have such ape's skulls. I have se◄ lected therefore for your brother a young lady with a head like a triangle. Those are your true musical geniusses, and with the help of God, I hope to find just such another for you.

Em. May I ask who is the beautiful lady with the three cornered head that you have selected for my brother?

Ruck.-Miss Sturzwald.

Em. Ha ha ha! The hump-backed Miss Sturywald, why she does not know even a single note.

Ruck. That's no matter. Nightingales don't sing by note.
Em.-But she has not a note in her voice.

Ruck. What does that signify. With her organ she could become a virtuoso in a week it she choose, and to please me she wille Your brother returns to day from his travels. I'll arrange the whole affair then,

Em.-I doubt whether the beautiful betrothed will please my bro ther's taste.

Ruck.-Don't be anxious on that score.
Em.-And that hump!

When he sees that organ!

Ruck. But he shall not see the hump. He can look at her in front, can't he-oh that triangle!

Em.—I am afraid, my dear Father, the hump ***.

Ruck.-Hold your tongue about the hump. All women bave - humps somewhere, if they hav'nt them on their backs. A hump there is by far the easiest to put up with, Your vanity, your falsehood, your coquetting-these are the worst excrescences, and a poor husband finds it much heavier to bear them than you do! Good heavens! if a woman has only a gentle disposition and a tol rable organ o music, she might have, as far as the rest is concerned, a hump like a camels; who would scruple at that? When she plays and sings her husband, standing behind her chair, lets tears of extacy fall upon her hump. In short, Edward marries Miss Sturzwald, and you remain single until some one with a triangular head proposes for you.

SCENE 3RD.

THE PRECEEDING AND MR. VON BOMBECK,

Bomb.--Pardon my early visit. Love and anxiety bring me here. I come again, Mr. Von Ruckenmark, to

haud of your daughter,

beg you for the

Riick.---Mr. Vox Bombeck I have already expressd my regret, and there's nothing more unpleasant than to be obliged to express that regret twice in such matters.

Bomb.---But I possess Emily's heart.

Riick.---That you may keep in the name of heaven. A girls heart is like a Bishopric in partibus infidelium. As for her hand however ****

Bomb-Why should not this dear hand strew the path of my life with flowers?

Ruck-Alas! The rose-season of lovers is even briefer than Flora's! After the honeymoon the roses are collected into a Pot-pourri, salt thrown upon them, and sometimes smelt to, as a memorial of the happy days when they blossomed.

Bomb.-To drop metaphors, Mr. Von Rückenmark, what have you to say against me? I am a wealthy man !

Rick-Do you imagine I am one of those fathers who think they do enough when they procure for their daughters the means of eating and that too upon silver? No. I care whether they do eat and how-Whether gall seasons the pheasants, or tears drop into the Madeira * * * *

Bomb.-But I may without hoasting say that I am an honorable man, and of a gentle disposition.

Rick.-Oh yes, you have the organ of benevolence in a tolerable degree, but not a vestige of that of music. I broke that to you lately; and without harmony there is no chance of a happy marriage. Had my dear wife, now in heaven, not sung, we should, in spite of the heavenly hosts, have tormented each other to death from sheer ennui.

Bomb.-If your consent depends upon that only, I will begin to take lessons this very day.

Rück.-What good will that do? Your head is compressed like a bottle! You will only torture yourself in vain.

Bomb.-Abominable obstinacy!

Riick.-Yes, God be thanked, I have the organ of firmness-it's here just behind that of theosophy. Bomb. My father unites his give them weight with you up the bond for the 2000

entreaties to mine, and he hopes to by offering, as he now does, to tear Louis-d'ors which you owe him.

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