Rising from the ground, covered with blood and dirt, Job was about to take summary vengeance on the Irishman for not assisting him sooner; but recollecting himself a moment, he thought of the bottle, which he produced, and the two agreed to drink instead of fight.

As Job was taking a long dram-he was a sort of an animated reservoir, and it took time as well as brandy to fill him—a musketball happening to be passing that way, struck the bottle from his face, leaving the neck in his mouth.

Now should we avail ourselves of a common license, and indulge that fancy which is more properly the sphere of the imaginative author, than of the stern, impartial recorder of truth, we might be led to say, that Mr. Doope's eyes immediately proceeded to loom out like two dining-plates; but a scrupulous regard to facts, moreover, a just appreciation of the necessity of strict veracity in an historian who would ensure the confidence of millions yet unborn, compels us to state, that the said organs of vision did not dilate more than seveneighths of an inch each beyond their usual size; and as it has been affirmed that " an inch on a man's nose is a good deal," we feel justified in the assertion, that an inch in any other man's eye is of equal dimensions, and this fact has probably given rise to the above comparison between eyes and china ware.

When Job had recovered from the trepidation consequent upon the remarkable occurrence just related, he took a perspective view of the scene before him. The battle had degenerated into a pell-mell fight, and though the Americans had obtained a decided advantage, yet the enemy stood their ground manfully.

In the distance Mr. Sergeant Biggfizz was seen, apparently dancing a fandango with a small body of Mexicans, between two pieces of artillery, but in fact endeavoring to elude them, and get a fair chance with his heels, for they had him in quite an uncomfortable corner; he, however, escaped their grasp, and set off on a most undignified and precipitate canter, considering that he was an officer of government.

As Job was about to proceed to his assistance, he descried in another part of the field a Ranchero endeavoring to impale Mr. Thomas Spoon on the end of his spear, a point to which the latter seemed to have some decided objections, for he was hopping about, with a long tent-pole, now defending himself, now giving his opponent a thrust, talking all the time, as though the whole affair was a mere matter of amusement, got up for his own especial benefit. "Vell, Mr. Mexican, wot's the state of yer feelins' now, eh?" humorously inquired he of the long pole, as he administered a most touching poke in the ribs. "Hope you left Mrs. Mexican and the family in easy circumstances, for I rayther hexpect you wont surwive this 'ere meetin', as the Methodist preacher said, ven the young 'oman vent into the high-sterics; if there's any dyin' request you'd like to make, and if there's any partikelar spot vere you'd like to be buried, I'll see to it, and plant a veepin villow over yer head, I vill, you yeller son of a saffern-bag."

Job had reached the scene of action, and coming up behind made a

fearful lunge at the Mexican, just as he jumped aside to avoid the descending tent-pole, and our Murat, being in just the right range, received the blow on his own defenceless head; Mr. Spoon, vexed at missing his aim, hurled his weapon with such violence and precision, that his foe was prostrated in the dust; to seize the lance, and pin the fallen to the earth, was but the work of a moment, and Mr. Spoon performed it with evident satisfaction.

But Job's accounts with this world were well-nigh settled up; the candle of his existence had nearly burnt out, and death with his white horse stood ready to trot him out into the world of spirits.

"Hallo," said Mr. Spoon, coming up, "you really don't think you'll make a die of it?"

"Brandy," ejaculated Job, faintly, like the murmur of the far-sounding sea, dashing on some distant shore.

"Oh, yes," said Tom, who was acquainted with his friend's ruling passion, "that's the caper, is it? vell, if yer no more'n dead drunk, I don't think ve'll stop to have a funeral over you; come, get up here, old two-gallon, get up and shamble." An expression by which the speaker meant to intimate his desire that Mr. Doope would arise and accompany him to head-quarters; for the battle was over, and around the General's tent, which had just been pitched, the soldiers had gathered, and were engaged in relating incidents of the late engagement, and discussing matters and things in general. Thither Mr. Spoon bent his steps, lugging his wounded companion in his arms. Approaching a group of his comrades, he deposited his burden on the ground and joined in their conversation.

"Well," Tommy, observed one," that was something of a bout you had with that Ranchero."

"Vell," replied the individual addressed, "it wos considerable of a scratch, as the middle-aged man remarked, ven his young and amiable vife come the cat over him;" and as Mr. Spoon was proceeding to give the particulars of the encounter, some one called upon him to state the number of killed and wounded in the affray.

"Vell," replied Tom, "not having been sent for yet by the commanding ossifer to make out the 'fisal report, I can't 'zactly say, but I don't hexpect more'n sixteen thousand of the inimy has been murdered, vereas, from our side, Mr. Doope has been sewerely vounded, and three young recruits has been found dead, and consekens o' they're havin' no hexternal marks o' wiolence, it is confidently supposed they wos scared to death."

As Mr. Spoon delivered this tit-bit of eloquence, which he concluded with an oratorical flourish, Sergeant Bigfizz came up; his face looked as though it was covered with blood, but an observer of nature might have detected a closer resemblance to the color of pokeberry-juice than that of the vital tide; for the last half hour he had been engaged in running his sword in the body of a dead horse, to stain it to the proper degree, and he now was flourishing his reeking blade in the air, and telling large stories of his prowess.

"I say," asked Mr. Spoon, with a knowing look, "ain't you werry uncommon good at a foot race?"

The drum beat to quarters; the troops retired to their barracks; night drew her curtain over the ensanguined plain,—and we will follow her example.

Mr. Doope was seriously wounded, and procuring a discharge soon, he turned his steps homeward.

Now the rest of the acts of Job, and all that he did; how he was invited to public dinners-how he made a triumphal entry into his native city on foot, carrying his knapsack-how he stood on a barrel to make a speech and the head fell in and he too-are they not written in the newspapers ?

We have been favored with another scientific paper on this interesting subject by the learned Doctor Scatterbrain, who informs us that he has devoted himself so assiduously to the investigation of the new phenomena connected with the science, that he has passed many sleepless nights, much to the discomfiture of Mrs. Scatterbrain, who "takes on so." It appears from this invaluable document, which, we must say, reflects great credit upon its author, that the science is making rapid progress in this country, and we have no doubt but that the "eyes of all Europe" will be directed to it in a very short time. The circumstance of its origin and rise in this country is but another proof of the inquiring mind and penetrating genius which peculiarly characterize our people, out of whose wide awake eyes

"looks forth

A life of unconsumed thought, which pierces

The present and the past and the to come."

We would gladly dwell longer upon a subject so fruitful and, to us, entertaining; but we must hasten to a conclusion of these remarks, that we may lay before our readers the paper of Dr. Scatterbrain. The complimentary manner in which he speaks of ourselves, puts our modesty to the blush.

MUKTEROLOGY.

MESSRS. EDITORS,-Since the publication of our proceedings in your last number, our body, pleased with the due appreciation which you accorded to their science, determined to give you their patronage, and have accordingly elected you " printers to the Big Nose Club." A resolution was passed unanimously regretting that you were not quite sufficiently good-looking to become members of the Club, but they regard you as the best looking men out of it The Editors of the " Journal of Science" solicited the honor which we have conferred upon you, but their overtures were unfavorably received, as one of them was suspected of playing off a practical joke upon the Club for his own amusement, by conveying a quantity of sulphureted hydrogen gas into the room

* The members of the "Big Nose Club" passed a resolution conferring on themselves the title of D. 8. N., which is an abbreviation for "Doctor Scientiæ Nasorum.”

where we were in session, which (owing to the size of our noses) was so peculiarly affecting that we dispersed instanter. Since then we have regarded chemistry not only as useless, but highly detrimental.

During the last month a portion of our time has been employed in examining into the comparative importance of the other sciences. The conclusion to which we came was that they are all unworthy of attention except, perhaps, Astronomy, which Mr. Bluenose, a newly admitted member, urged might in the course of time become subsidiary to our own science. By more perfect and powerful instruments we might discover the noses of the inhabitants on some of the planets, which, he thought, might be measured if he could get a parallax. With this view it was quite proper to encour. age it.

At one of our recent meetings Mr. Skewnose suggested that in the language of Shakspeare" a nose by any other name would smell as sweet," and he would propose, therefore, that the infant science be christened "Mukterology," from the Greek porno and Aóyos. That language, he remarked, was more comprehensive and compact, and has been entirely adopted as the basis of the nomenclature of the other sciences; besides it was classic. His proposition was acceded to unanimously.

This suggestion reminded Mr. Dryasdust, the antiquarian of the Club, that the word 'piv, in Greek, was equivalent also to our word nose, and was derived, according to Donnegan, from 'piw for 'péw, meaning to flow. This was evidently the running nose, and clearly indicative of the national character of the Greeks at some period-precisely when, he had not ascertained. The subject was open for debate. He hoped from this discovery to throw some important light upon their history.

The Club are at present absorbed with the investigation of a subject of considerable magnitude, viz: that nose described (I regret to say rather indefinitely) in Solomon's Song: "thy nose is as the tower of Lebanon which looketh toward Damascus." Chap. vii, 4. We are all however in raptures with it, and consider it a perfect beauideal. It has given rise to many important theories and ingenious speculations-food enough for philosophers to digest during the remainder of this century.

At our last meeting in the Temple of Beauty the subject was taken up formally and examined at great length, notice having been given a week previous that it would then be introduced. Meeting, as usual, opened with prayer. The President then entertained the Club with a pertinent speech embracing the highest terms of encomium upon the wisdom and refined taste of Solomon, to whose ladie-love it seems, according to a literal interpretation of the text, the proboscis under consideration appertained. Mr. Cute, our mathematician, after the manner of Leverrier, has computed the "disturbing force" which it exerted upon Solomon's heart. He acknowledges his indebtedness to the new edition of logarithmic tables just issued, and will give the result of his calculations at our next meeting. Mr. Lovelace, the poet of the Club, read a beautiful poem beginning

"That paragon, the nose of noses,

Hath passed away, like summer roses,'

which production is carefully preserved in the archives.

Mr. Dryasdust inferred from the description above mentioned, that noses were much larger formerly than at present. Mr. Hooknose thought so too, and the proper question, therefore, before the Club was how to account for their degeneracy in modern times. Mr. Simple thereupon suggested electricity as the cause, remarking that as the noses of the people were quite large and good conductors, they were in imminent danger of being knocked off in some thunder-storm. Mr. Hooknose regarded this theory as visionary, since Mr. Simple's reasoning in support of it proved too much. By the cause assigned, the individual along with his nose would be destroyed in toto. We must therefore seek some other cause.

Mr. Ganderleg remarked that a thought had struck him, and very ingeniously suggested that they must have frozen off during some extremely cold winter. He was irresistibly led to this conclusion by observations during the present winter upon his own nose, about the safety of which, at times, he had been very dubious. All the members comparing notes with him on this subject arrived, by this method of induction, at the general conclusion, viz: that the noses of the ancients were frozen off, and after this unfortunate diminution small noses became hereditary.

This cause, said Mr. G., was just sufficient, according to the Newtonian method of philosophizing, to account for the phenomenon; it was uniform in its operation, and

didn't account for anything else. Besides it was an exceedingly simple truth, and all great truths were known to be very simple. The Club coincided with his views.

The last deduced theory gave rise to another one, viz: that the winters of antiquity were colder than those of modern times. But how cold were they? Did the weather gradually grow warmer, and would it continue gradually growing warmer until the world was consumed by fire? If so, here is data sufficient to determine how long the world will be in existence! These are interesting and weighty questions, and will be decided in due time.

Mr. Pomp said he would propose an experiment whereby a knowledge of the maximum degree of cold during the winter aforesaid, might be arrived at, and by which also precautionary measures might be taken lest any similar accident might happen in the future. It was this, that freezing mixtures, in connection with a thermometer, be applied to some individual's nose, by which means it would be easy to ascertain the exact degree below zero at which his protuberance would freeze off. This is the datum required. Who then will voluntarily offer himself for the sacrifice? Here is a chance for any one to show his devotion to the science, and by becoming a martyr to it, to live embalmed in the hearts of posterity. Mr. P. said he would be the foremnost to do so, but he thought that Mrs. P. would object to spoiling his beauty so much. The modesty of the other members preventing them from claiming so great an honor, at this stage of the proceedings, the subject was laid upon the table.

This business having been disposed of for the present, Mr. Soberside rose and said he flattered himself he had a communication of some interest to make to the Club. In little domestic quarrels which occurred between himself and Mrs. S., the latter was in the daily habit of pulling his nose, and by a regular series of periodical ob ervations he had ascertained the fact that his nose was half an inch longer at present, than when he was first married! Arguing a priori, then, he thought these little difficulties between man and wife ought to be promoted. Mr. Swear-at-em urged that his case ought to be an exception, as his wife used the poker and broomstick. Several members were similarly situated.

Mr. Bustle remarked that he was a bachelor, and did not feel inclined to embark on the tempestuous ocean of matrimony; but he would propose something which would answer the same end, without involving any of its evils. Let nose-pulling, said Mr. B., be established as a Code of Honor by the Club; so that whoever is insulted shall be privileged to pull the offender's nose, and the offender shall submit to have his nose pulled. If there was any virtue in it, Mr. B. thought the protuberances of the members would soon begin to assume a larger aspect.

The next subject for investigation before the Club, is "Electricity of the Animal Economy as affected by the Different Kinds of Noses;" e. g the sharp and snub species. It is well known that points dissipate electricity, while knobs retain it.

The rumor that the ladies intend establishing a "Big Foot Club," in opposition to ours, is, I have ascertained, entirely unfounded.

JEDEDIAH SCATTERBRAIN, D. S. N.

EDITORS' TABLE.

"PUNCTUALITY is a cardinal virtue," dear reader, against which we have shockingly sinned this month, in making our appearance before you so late; and patience is one which you have observed so religiously, that our admiration for your amiability is unbounded. In view of the subject, therefore, as theologians say, we entertain the hope that the bright anticipations of spring, which have warmed and gladdened your nature, will have so thoroughly thawed out your minds, hearts, and pockets, that you will be prepared to read understandingly, criticise mercifully, forgive our procrastination, and pay your subscriptions immediately. We did not intend to make any philosophical remarks on finance, or to insinuate that you were not punctual in making specie payments; you must therefore attribute that slip of the pen to the force of habit, and certain private personal documents with which we have been favored re